Message for My 39th Birthday

I started writing birthday messages for myself four years ago, when I turned 35. I had an interaction with a homeless man that morning that moved me, and I wanted to share the experience with some of my friends. That led to a message for my 36th, 37th and 38th birthdays. So, what to write this year?

I really do love my birthday. It is an opportunity to say thanks for the previous year (and to my mom for having me in the first place) and a chance to reflect on my life in general.

Since I’m entering my 40th year, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about my 30s. What an amazing ride. Since I turned 30, I’ve completed three marathons, mainly to prove to myself that I could. I tried scuba diving. I got to sing with a band onstage (granted, the stage was in a hotel in Winchester, Virginia, but still…). I dated a few men who were wrong for me and one or two who might have been right for me at a different time in my life. I was honored to become friends with a bunch of amazing ladies who continue to inspire me, even cross-country! I packed up my life and moved to Los Angeles, got to watch my nice Miri grow up (still under construction!), meet P.C. and be blessed with Megan and Michael after what seemed like an endless journey of trying to have a baby. I’ve been so happy I wanted to jump for joy and so sad that I couldn’t get my head off the couch. I’ve held friends’ new babies and had to say goodbye to friends and family members.

This year has been particularly interesting. The addition of Michael to our family has made things exponentially busier, but I had no idea that my heart was capable of feeling any more love than it already had. The passing of my beloved grandmother, something I’d been dreading for decades, was very difficult, but I feel so lucky that I had the chance to see her before she passed away and tell her how much she meant to me.

And there have been many fun times this year, too! From watching Megan see Michael for the first time to a chaotic trip to Vegas with the kids that only lasted 24 hours, from out-of-town visitors to in-town Easter egg hunting and pumpkin decorating, it has been a terrific ride.

Here are some things I’ve learned in the last year:

o Nothing is as energizing (or rare) as a good night’s sleep. Or a really good nap.

o Despite taking lots of red-eye flights over the years, I’m just not able to do them anymore without burning out at the other end.

o Motherhood has proven to me, time and time again, that my own mother has been right about 95% of the time. I admit it.

o For those who are worried about their male newborn babies peeing on them, you just might find that your firstborn daughter can pee on you many more times in the first year.

o I am so lucky to have a job that I really, really like at an amazing school with amazing people.

o My girlfriends mean the world to me.

o So does my sister. I am unendingly grateful for her.

o My husband, despite working the crazy hours he does, truly puts his family before anything else.

o Being a mother means that you will never stop worrying.

o Being a mother also means that you will never stop feeling guilty about something every day of your life.

o I am so lucky to be part of a family of women on my mom’s side—especially Mom, Marilyn, Jenn, Stephanie, Nancy and Kate—who are strong and smart and funny and committed to themselves, their families and one another.

o Nothing stops a toddler temper tantrum as quickly as a tickle-fest.

o I didn’t know the expression “that just melts my heart” until I had children.

o Music will always be one of the loves of my life. Nothing cheers me up or calms me down quite as well.

o Sometimes, it really does take a village to help raise kids…and keep mommies sane.

As I’ve done over the past few years, I am trying to regularly count my blessings and be grateful for them. And I hope you’ll join me—because if you have gotten this far in my essay, you are surely one of mine!

Here’s to another year of “blessed days.”

This Date in History: November 4, 2009

I awoke to the sounds of Michael giggling in his room. When I walked in, he was standing up in his crib for the first time, so proud of himself. And when I praised him and picked him up, he kept trying to look me in the eye, as if to say, "Didja see it? Didja?" And away we go!

Michael, I Might As Well Apologize to You Now...

Michael, I am the second-born child as well. And I swore I would never treat my second child any differently than the first--I'd take the same amount of pictures, I'd still post regularly to the blog, blah, blah, blah. I'm sorry, but I just can't always keep that up! So I apologize for the lack of official nine-month and 10-month pictures. I love you to pieces...and that's probably why I haven't had time to update this darn blog!

Okay, guilt trip over...I'm sure there are many more in my future, anyway...

Yesterday was Halloween. On Friday, they had the annual parade at daycare/preschool.

Michael's class dressed up as frogs and princesses...

and Megan's class dressed up as Mickey and Minnie Mouses (Mice?).

Yesterday, we went to two parties. Megan was dressed as Abby Cadaby from Sesame Street.

And, while lots of people dress their babies as pumpkins or ducks for Halloween, we dressed ours up as a Vegas lounge singer. My dad had given us a tuxedo for Michael, and it just seemed to make the funniest Halloween costume. (We left off the white button-down shirt. It was very hot in L.A.!

We also gave out some candy at home and went trick-or-treating. Megan really enjoyed both, and it was so wonderful to take our kids out for the first time and especially see Megan's face as people opened doors and dropped candy into her bag.

Michael at Eight Months

Here's Michael's eight-month picture. Better late than never, right?

Things here have been totally crazy. Michael is finally getting over a stomach virus after six days. Daycare was closed last week for start-of-school-year preparations, and this coincided with my opening faculty meetings. Throw in a stomach virus and it has been totally crazy!

Other than the craziness, the kids are great. Megan is now speaking in complete sentences, which makes it so much easier to understand what she is saying. Michael is napping and going down much better at night. We are still struggling with middle-of-the-night wakings--a few nights ago he really was just tired and not sick, so we let him cry it out. One hour and thirty-five minutes later, he finally fell asleep. Other nights, P.C. and I have split shifts driving him all over the San Fernando Valley. We're working on it, though. Slow and steady. Slow and steady.

Tonight when I was putting Megan into bed, she looked at me and said, "Thank you, mama." Somehow that makes it all okay.

How Times Have Changed

I came across an email that I sent to some of my friends after our first failed in-vitro procedure. It was very touching to read it and realize how far we've come since then:

June 27, 2006
Well, our attempt at in-vitro didn’t work. We got the news yesterday. I’m just so unbelievably sad. We don’t know what our next step will be, and right now I am really stuck in sadness. We need some time to let all of this sink in. I’m struggling with the fact that I had three little lives inside me and I just couldn’t help them live. P.C is, as usual, a terrific support even though I know he is in pain too. Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers.

Sorry to share this by email, but it is just too hard to talk today.

Back then, having one child was just a dream. And two wasn't even close to anything I could imagine. And now here we are. Rereading the email above was a reminder to continue to count my blessings every day.

Two-Year Checkup and Coming Full Circle

Today I took Megan for her two-year-old appointment. She's doing great--36 inches tall (97th percentile) and 29 pounds (77th percentile).

Today we also made the decision to release the embryos that we had sitting in frozen storage at the fertility clinic. We decided to donate them for research. I know it was the right thing to do--we weren't planning to use them, and it felt wasteful to just dispose of them. We could have given them to a couple who needed donor embryos, but it just didn't feel right to us to possibly have "children" out there somewhere. So we decided to donate them in the hopes that the research in which they will be used will make a difference somewhere in the medical world.

We went to the clinic and saw a physician's assistant and a nurse who had been there when we conceived Megan (the nurse is Patti--see this entry for more about the terrific staff at the clinic). They didn't know that we had Michael, so it was fun to tell them about that.

It felt strange to sign the papers, though. Like the fertility journey was over, and we were signing away the possibility of more children. And it was a little sad to think that we were finished with having kids. But it also felt right. A little sad, but right. So, little embryos, safe journey. May you bring hope to others through science...the same science that helped us conceive Megan and Michael. Our little miracles.

Long Time Gone...

It has been forever since my last post. Much happening!

Michael turned seven months old on July 26. He is sitting up really well. He is slowly getting the hang of playing by himself--all those months of his being held finally caught up with us. He is still hit-or-miss when it comes to sleeping through the night. He's waking up anywhere from 3-5:30 a.m., and if he wakes up after 4 it is really hard to get him back down. Of course, we need to be up at 5:30 on weekdays anyway, so I'd happily take that! Michael is a very smiley and happy baby, which is wonderful.

Megan turned two on August 2. She is an amazing kid. She is definitely testing her limits (and ours, too), but sometimes she is just so funny that I have to bite my lip so I don't laugh. her latest thing is calling me "Jill." She knows she should call me Mommy--she just can't help herself--and has to slip in a "Jill" and then giggle. I keep correcting her, but deep down I just love the fact that she's got a rebellious streak in her. I doubt I'll be saying that when she's 13!

This is a family photo of us from Megan's birthday.