Grandfathers

Today would be my grandfather Cohen’s 91st birthday. He died 15 years ago after a battle with prostate cancer. (Ironically, he was buried on his 76th birthday.)

We called him “Za” because my sister couldn’t say “Zaydie” (the Yiddish word for grandfather) when she was little. So, Za stuck. (His real name was Nathan.)

And I adored him. I always felt that we had a very special connection. When he was nearing the end of his life, I went home from college regularly to see him. The last time I saw him, he said to me, “Jill, I‘m dying.” And I said, “I know, Za. It’s going to be okay. I love you.” I left him that day knowing that I’d probably never see him alive again, but feeling like it was the best thing for him to pass away—that he needed that peace.

Za was the kind of grandfather that every little girl should have. Yes, indeed, I had him wrapped around my little finger. And I think he liked it that way. I only have the happiest of memories when I think of him. He and my grandmother were married for more than 50 years, and they held hands often. I loved that. I’m not sure if he was the greatest father, but I do know that he was a terrific grandfather.

My other grandfather, Jerry Salkin, died in 1959, when my mom was 17. I never got to meet him, but I feel like I know a lot about him from my mother and grandmother. He and my grandmother, Bubby, had a relatively short but very loving relationship. I pray that people are reunited in heaven, for my Bubby has been waiting a long time for that.

Before I got pregnant, I had two very vivid visions. Za was in both of them, and my grandfather Salkin was in one of them. In the second one, Za handed me my baby. I swear it. It was a totally magical vision, one that I had while at the acupuncturist’s office, trying to relax during one of the treatments. I had been feeling down about going through another in-vitro procedure, especially after the first one hadn’t worked. This vision gave me the energy to try again and believe that it could work. I held onto that vision while giving myself hormone injections, while undergoing procedures, and riding to the doctor’s office. That vision was with me at night when I was trying to quiet my mind and in the morning when I was looking for the strength to think positively.

Both visions confirmed what I had always felt—that my grandfathers had been watching over me. Ironically enough, when we went through this recent (successful!) in-vitro attempt, the embryos were placed inside of me on December 4—the anniversary of my grandfather Salkin’s death. I just don’t think it was a coincidence.

Anyway, happy birthday, Za. And thanks to you and Grandpa Jerry for keeping an eye on us.

Babycenter.com Update: Week 30

Well, the info in “How your life’s changing” definitely confirms what’s been going on with me! Between the lack of sleep, tripping over my own feet and the crying jag that followed, I’m right on target!

I really should buy P.C. the t-shirt I saw that said, “My pregnant wife scares me!”

How your baby's growing: Your baby's a bit more than 15 1/2 inches long now, and she weighs almost 3 pounds. A pint and a half of amniotic fluid surrounds her, but that volume will decrease as she gets bigger and takes up more room in your uterus. Her eyesight continues to develop, though it's not very keen; even after she's born, she'll keep her eyes closed for a good part of the day. When she does open them, she'll respond to changes in light but will have 20/400 vision — which means she can only make out objects a few inches from her face. (Normal adult vision is 20/20.)

How your life's changing: You may be feeling a little tired these days, especially if you're having trouble sleeping. You might also feel clumsier than normal, which is perfectly understandable. Not only are you heavier, but the concentration of weight in your pregnant belly causes a shift in your center of gravity. Plus, thanks to hormonal changes, your ligaments are more lax, so your joints are looser, which may also contribute to your balance being a bit off. Also, this relaxation of your ligaments can actually cause your feet to spread permanently, so you may have to invest in some new shoes in a bigger size.

Remember those mood swings you had earlier in pregnancy? The combination of uncomfortable symptoms and hormonal changes can result in a return of those emotional ups and downs. It's normal to worry about what your labor will be like or whether you'll be a good parent. But if you can't shake the blues or feel increasingly irritable or agitated, talk to your doctor or midwife. You may be among the 1 in 10 expectant women who battle depression during pregnancy. Also let your caregiver know if you're frequently nervous or anxious.

I Swear, I've Completed Three Marathons Without Tripping...

Last night, while taking the dog out for a stroll, I somehow lost my balance and tripped over my own feet. (Actually, I may have tripped UP a curb, but it's unclear.) In any case, I landed on my palms and my right knee, so my belly was uninvolved. But wow, did this shake me up. I started sobbing uncontrollably after I fell. I think I was so relieved that I didn't hit my stomach on the ground that I just started crying. Plus, those hormones of mine might be a TAD out of wack. :-)

So, I was glad to feel the baby kicking last night after I fell, but this morning before I got out of bed...nothing. Driving to work...nothing. Sitting at my desk...nothing...until about 8:30 a.m. P.C., who errs on the side of caution (interesting for a man, eh?) suggested that I call the doctor anyway to make sure all was okay.

The doctor told me to go home, drink a big glass of orange juice, lie down for an hour and count kicks.

For the first 10 minutes, Spike only moved once. Once. Oy! Trying not to panic, I took lots of deep breaths and repeated positive affirmations to myself. Sure enough, that kid kicked it into gear (literally) and gave my 32 kicks in an hour. I called the doctor's office, and they said, "You have quite an active baby!" So, Spike is fine. And I'm relieved.

Ah, yes...nothing like a child aggravating you in utero to remind you of what's to come!

Baseball Season is Over

Well, UCLA's baseball season ended last night in a sad loss to Cal State Fullerton, 2-1. The Bruins played hard and looked good (their pitcher boasted 12 strikeouts!), but it just wasn't enough. So, no trip to the College World Series this year. But UCLA had a great season and went farther in the playoffs than they had in a long time, so this is a very good thing, too. (To read more, click here.)

Of course, in my house, it's a mixed bag. On the one hand, I support P.C. and the team and want them to be as successful as they can be. On the other hand, I'm glad to get my husband back. I'm noticing that I am feeling, in addition to the physical uncomfortableness, a lot of anxiety. I think I'm just getting ready to be a mama. After all, wouldn't you think I was crazy if I wasn't just a LITTLE bit panicked? In any case, it will be nice to have P.C. home for awhile. I really do need his support. There is much to do before Spike makes her debut!

Bebycenter.com Update: Week 29

Week 29 brings more heartburn, back pain and restless/crampy legs. But it also brings more kicking. And it brings us a week closer to meeting this little girl in person!

Here's this week's update from www.babycenter.com:

How your baby's growing: Your baby now weighs about 2 1/2 pounds and is a tad over 15 inches long from head to heel. His muscles and lungs are continuing to mature, and his head is growing bigger to accommodate his brain — which is busy developing billions of neurons. With this rapid growth, it's no surprise that your baby's nutritional needs reach their peak during this trimester. To keep yourself and him well nourished, you'll need plenty of protein, vitamin C, folic acid, iron, and calcium. (About 200 milligrams of calcium is deposited in your baby's skeleton — which is now hardening — every day.)

15 inches long ... no wonder she keeps getting caught in my ribs!

Songs for Spike, Part VIII: The Final Installment

Here we go … the final three songs on my compilation CDs for Spike.

30. Watershed by Indigo Girls.

Click here to hear this song.

Up on the watershed
Standing at the fork in the road
You can stand there and agonize
Till your agony’s your heaviest load
You’ll never fly as the crow flies
Get used to a country mile
When you’re learning to face
The path at your pace
Every choice is worth your while

I find this song pretty inspirational. To me, it’s about taking life as it comes, at your own pace.

Here’s a section that I love:

And there’s always retrospect
(when you’re looking back)
To light a clearer path
Every five years or so I look back on my life
And I have a good laugh
You start at the top
Go full circle round
Catch a breeze
Take a spill
But ending up where I started again
Makes me wanna stand still

I do love looking back on my life and seeing how far I’ve come.

After all, five years ago (2002) I was living in Baltimore, having not yet considered the possibility of moving to Los Angeles, dating a series of really wrong men, feeling angry about the way my life was going and wondering if it was going to get any more satisfying. I was literally catching breezes, taking spills, and ending up right where I started again!

If I look five years before that (1997), my life was even MORE different—I was married to my first husband and figuring I’d be spending my life as a housewife in Winchester, Virginia!

Now, my life is so unbelievably different. Thank goodness I can look back and laugh. I promise you, Spike, that there will be days that will be so tough that you’ll think the world is ending. These are the days that will make you laugh later on. I promise. I know you don’t believe me, but it’s true.

31. Wildflowers by Tom Petty. This blog is based on the lyrics to that song. (Click here to hear the song. Don’t ask me about the video! I just found it randomly.)

You belong among the wildflowers
You belong in a boat out at sea
Sail away, kill off the hours
You belong somewhere you feel free

You belong among the wildflowers
You belong in a boat out at sea
You belong with your love on your arm
You belong somewhere you feel free

You belong among the wildflowers
You belong somewhere close to me
Far away from your trouble and worry
You belong somewhere you feel free

Tom Petty said that, when he wrote this song, he just sat down and played it without writing it—the words and music just flowed. That’s what I want for you, Spike, to always be able to run among the wildflowers—somewhere you feel free. Somewhere life can just flow through you and wash over you.

32. You Make Loving Fun by Fleetwood Mac.

Click here to see Fleetwood Mac perform this song. (Note to my niece, Miriam: Yes, there is another woman in Fleetwood Mac besides Stevie Nicks. Her name is Christine McVie. :-))

This song was written for Christine McVie’s boyfriend back in the 1970s, but it could have easily been written for you, Spike.

Sweet wonderful you,
You make me happy with the things you do,
Oh, can it be so,
This feeling follows me wherever I go.

I never did believe in miracles,
But I've a feeling it's time to try.
I never did believe in the ways of magic,
But I'm beginning to wonder why.

I know things won’t always be easy—that there will be days when you can’t stand that I’m your mother and days when I am so frustrated with you that I cry—but I hope I will always remember what a miracle you are to me, baby girl. I love you so much and I haven’t even met you in person yet.

Isn't it Amazing How a Baby in Your Ribs Impairs Your Ability to Breathe?

(Here's a picture taken of me today, at almost 29 weeks. I'd look more pregnant, but the shirt is very baggy.)

Dear Spike,

Oh, baby doll. Right now one of your precious body parts is stuck in my rib cage area, and it's very uncomfortable. I missed the end of Daddy's baseball game last night because I just couldn't bear to sit on that stadium bench for a minute longer. I got home and got on my side, then the other, and tried to dislodge you. Then I drank a little caffeine this morning to try and pep you up so you would move. You moved, but not out of my rib cage! You are certainly stretching out, because I can feel the opposite end of your body pressing into my pelvis.

But you know what, Spike? Feeling you in my belly is still the most magical feeling I've ever known. Even when it interferes with my breathing.