Big Week

This Thursday will mark a very important milestone for us. If all goes well, we'll be saying goodbye to my beloved fertility doctor, Dr. Boostanfar, and moving on to my regular ob/gyn next week. (I haven't met my new doctor, but she was recommended to me by my fertility doctor, so I have faith that things will be just fine.)

I have to admit that I am a little sad to be leaving this doctor, even though it is all for the good. I mean, this was the guy who told P.C. and me that he thought he'd be able to get me pregnant (I know, it sounds dirty but you know what I mean!), and after 15 months of seeing him, I'm preparing to leave his care. And in between, he and his staff have been awesome, providing sound advice, soft hearts, and lots of Kleenex. When the nurse, Patti, called to tell me I was pregnant, she said that everyone in the office was so excited for us. And I believe that.

One interesting thing to me is that my fertility issues go above and beyond the "just relax" recommendation (as most do)--further proof that the well-meaning people who say those things are usually wrong. I have to thank my friend Michelle for snapping me out of the "just keep trying, it will happen" mentality and suggesting that I see a specialist. Even after I started seeing Dr. Boostanfar, and we realized that my issues went beyone "just relaxing," people still insisted on telling me that if P.C. and I just took some time for a vacation, we'd be expecting a baby in no time. So, if you're reading this, I hope you'll think twice before you offer the "just relax" advice. I believe that those people are really the exception, not the rule.

So, anyway, with a little luck we'll be moving to the next step this week. I am feeling pretty lousy, but I'm on week 10, so hopefully the days of feeling really cruddy are numbered. I've been continuing my positive visualizations, but I'm also feeling very emotional today. It's all part of the ride, I suppose. I'll just keep thinking good thoughts for the little one inside of me, and praying that each week will bring more positive strides for all of us.

Blog for Choice Day

Today is the 34th anniversary of Roe vs. Wade, the landmark case that overturned all state and federal laws restricting abortion. NARAL is asking people to blog today and explain why they are pro-choice. You can read some of those posts here. (Thanks, Maya's Granny, for your reminder on your blog.)

I have always struggled with the issue of abortion. I have always believed in a woman's right to choose, although in my heart I never believed I could have an abortion. I think of my friends who have had them and am very thankful that they had that option available to them. And now that I am pregnant myself, I can't imagine how it would feel to be pregnant with a child that was conceived and not truly wanted--for whatever reason. It is an emotional and physical rollercoaster, and I can't imagine going through this unless I really, really wanted it and thought it was the right decision for me and my family.

I don't believe that people generally use abortion as birth control--I believe that those people are the exception, not the rule. I do believe that if abortion weren't legal, that women would once again die at the hands of illegal abortionists.

When I was in college, I spent one afternoon with other college students, escorting frightened young women across the lines of protesters and into an abortion clinic in Washington, D.C. I was completely horrified by the experience. That people could curse and yell threats at terrified women was eye-opening to me. And I can tell you that every single one of those women was terrified--about the procedure itself and about the screaming crowd trying to get in their way. None of them treated abortion like birth control, and none of them were casual about it. I don't think they would have been there if they hadn't been so desperate. I never went back to that clinic--in fact, the experience was so terrifying that sometimes I wonder if I experienced it at all or if I just imagined it. But I still couldn't put my finger on the root of why I was pro-choice.

Anyway, in looking at the posts on NARAL, I read something that got to the heart of my views (thanks, Jessica):

"My support and fight for reproductive health and justice is about more than the recognition of women’s right to control their own bodies and my feelings about how the state’s attempt to control women’s reproductive rights is connected to women’s oppression more generally. At the core of it, it’s about something much more simple.

It’s about trusting women.

I trust women to make their own decisions. I trust that women (of all ages) don’t need to be told what to do with their bodies or their futures because they know what’s best for themselves and their families. And I truly believe that the folks who are fighting so hard to limit women’s reproductive choices are doing so because they don’t trust women. And that terrifies me—because if women aren’t trusted to make decisions about something as personal as their own bodies, we’re in big trouble."

I'm sure not everyone who reads this will agree with my view. But I hope it makes you consider why you have the views that you have on the issue, whether you are pro- or anti-choice.

Fascinating Songwriters, Part III

The 1970s were filled with singer-songwriters. You know, that Joni Mitchell-James Taylor-Carly-Simon era, before synthesizers took over. So many wonderful artists came out of that period, but no artist had more impact in such a short time than Jim Croce.

In 1972, Croce signed with ABC Records. In 1973, he and his musical partner, Maury Meuhleisen, were killed in a plane crash. Meuhleisen was as important to Croce's success as Jim himself, as his harmonies and guitar complimented Croce's songwriting.

Here are some of the hits Croce released between 1972 and 1974 (a few were released after his death). How many of these do you know?

Operator (That's Not The Way It Feels)
You Don't Mess Around with Jim
Time in a Bottle
Bad, Bad Leroy Brown
I Got a Name
Workin' at the Car Wash Blues
I'll Have to Say I Love You in a Song
Photographs and Memories
One Less Set of Footsteps

Most of you know about Bad, Bad Leroy Brown, "the baddest man in the whole damn town." But did you know about Big Jim Walker?

"And they say you don't tug on Superman's cape
You don't spit into the wind
You don't pull the mask off an 'ole Lone Ranger
And you don't mess around with Jim."

Or what about Croce's love song for his infant son, "Time in a Bottle":

"If I had a box just for wishes
And dreams that had never come true
The box would be empty
Except for the memory
Of how they were answered by you."

And here's "I'll Have to Say I Love You in a Song," Croce's song of apology to his wife, Ingrid:

"Well, I know it's kind of late
I hope I didn't wake you
But what I got to say can't wait
I know you'd understand
Ev'ry time I tried to tell you
The words just came out wrong
So I'll have to say I love you in a song.
Yeah, I know it's kind of strange
But ev'ry time I'm near you
I just run out of things to say
I know you'd understand
Ev'ry time I tried to tell you
The words just came out wrong
So I'll have to say I love you in a song."

Two years and a lifetime of hits. Truly a fascinating songwriter.

I Have Never Heard a Sweeter Sound

Well, last week's agony turned out to be morning sickness combined with a brief virus of some kind. Feeling much better these past few days.

Today we went to the doctor for my 8-week checkup. (8 weeks and 5 days, actually). Can you see the baby in the picture? It's the thing that looks like a kidney bean in the black hole, between the two dots.

The most amazing thing happened today during the appointment. We heard our baby's heartbeat. I was so overwhelmed by the whole thing that, after the doctor finished the ultrasound, I asked him to do another one so I could hear it again. It made a really cool sound...pa-tooh, pa-tooh, pa-tooh ... beating really fast. It brought tears to my eyes and filled my heart with so much love. And it made things feel so real. I've got a miracle in my belly. And oh, how sweet the sound my little miracle makes.

The Agony and the Ecstasy

I've been feeling really wonderful over the past few weeks. Oh, sure, there's been some nausea, but, hey, I've been waiting for this for so long that I figured I'd never feel truly awful.

Until today.

Well, yesterday, actually. I came home feeling unusually nauseous. I fell asleep at about 8 p.m. and awoke around 11, only to discover that I would be awakened every hour by my nausea.

So, I did what I'd hoped I wouldn't have to do a single time during this pregnancy--I called in sick today. (I was afraid I wouldn't make it to work without throwing up on the 101 freeway.) After eating some crackers and some yogurt, I found myself clutching the toilet for dear life. The nausea is a little better now, although I am still very uncomfortable.

It's amazing how something so wonderful can make you feel so truly horrible!

Fascinating Songwriters, Part II

Joni Mitchell knows how to let it all hang out. I was recently listening to her album Blue (a "must-own", in my opinion), and thinking about how it just makes me feel...well...longingly. A strange word to use, I know, but true.

One song I always listen to on my iPod when I'm flying home is "California," a wonderful song of longing:

Sitting in a park in Paris, France
Reading the news and it sure looks bad
They won't give peace a chance
That was just a dream some of us had
Still a lot of land to see
But I wouldn't stay here
It's too old and cold and settled in its ways here.
Oh, but California California, I'm coming home
I'm going to see the folks I dig
I'll even kiss a sunset pig
California, I'm coming home.

The song that gets to me every time on Blue is "A Case of You." In an earlier post, I remembered being comforted by Godfrey the cat while swaying to this song. Is there a more beautiful chorus anywhere than this?

Oh you are in my blood like holy wine
Oh and you taste so bitter and so sweet
I could drink a case of you darling
Still I'd be on my feet
I'd still be on my feet.

Or what about "River," which has been covered more than 120 times by other artists. (The most covered Joni Mitchell song, by the way, is "Both Sides Now," at 504 covers, according to http://jonimitchell.com. )

It's coming on Christmas
They're cutting down trees
They're putting up reindeer
And singing songs of joy and peace
Oh I wish I had a river I could skate away on

I could go on and on about Joni Mitchell songs that I love that aren't on Blue, but it would take too long. If you've never heard Blue, give it a try. Some people can't stand Joni's voice, and I can understand that--you have to have a taste for it, I think. But her songwriting is gorgeous. And it's not all about longing, either...I promise. :-)

And judging by number of artists who cover her songs (1,748 different artists, at last count) and the commercial successes of many of those covers by Judy Collins, Counting Crows, the Indigo Girls and CSNY, to name a few), I can't be too far off base. What do you think?

Fascinating Songwriters, Part I

(DISCLAIMER: I am not a music critic. I don't write for Rolling Stone. I don't pretend to know all there is to know about music. Okay? :-))

I was listening to the John Lennon/Yoko Ono album Double Fantasy today and, as always, I was struck by the amazing lyric writing of John Lennon.

(Admittedly, I do skip over the Yoko Ono tunes--"Kiss Kiss Kiss" might be one of the most painful songs ever written. If someone wants to argue with me on this point, I'll be happy to go back and re-examine the Ono songs. Until then, I'll hit "skip.")

What woman wouldn't want lyrics like thse written for her?

Even if it's just one night, I miss you and it don't feel right,

I wish you were here tonight dear Yoko.

Even if it's just an hour, I wilt just like a fading flower,

Ain't nothing in the world like our love, dear Yoko.

And, of course, there's "Beautiful Boy (Darling Boy)," Lennon's love song to his son:

Close your eyes

Have no fear

The monster's gone

He's on the run and your daddy's here

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful boy...

Ah.

This album is really a love song to Lennon's family. Even in "Watching the Wheels," Lennon writes of his satisfaction with the life he's chosen away from the spotlight:

People say I'm crazy doing what I'm doing

Well they give me all kinds of warnings to save me from ruin

When I say that I'm o.k. they look at me kind of strange

Surely you're not happy now you no longer play the game...

I'm just sitting here watching the wheels go round and round

I really love to watch them roll

No longer riding on the merry-go-round

I just had to let it go

I know I'm not saying anything new here; Lennon wrote plenty of incredible lyrics during his lifetime. And Double Fantasy isn't the only album he released. Maybe it's particularly poignant because Lennon was killed the month after the album's release. But today, it really touched my heart. And for me, that's what matters.

For a complete review of Double Fantasy, visit rollingstone.com.